Before I am Famous

Dear Jason, I was so happy to get your letter today. I don’t if I told you but I am only singing at the club on Friday and Saturday. I got a part time job at the supermarket. And the one lady I work with, Marcy, pissed me off. She knows I am pregnant and all and I was outside smoking and she came up to me bitching saying I shouldn’t be smoking and all that crap. Hey it’s hard and I do try I have cut back quite a bit. Your letter made me happy. I don’t want to spend too much time bitching about her anyway. All she does is piss me off and I really don’t think you want to hear about it.
My belly is getting really big. Yesterday, when Jess and I went to the doctors, I felt the baby kick. They are saying baby might come in the first week in September. Just in time for you birthday. Well they said the baby might be late cause this is my first baby. Jess told me her first was almost 2 weeks late. Wouldn’t it be great if he was born on your birthday? The doctor says the baby is doing good and strong. He is nice.
I have been thinking about leaving th club until after the baby is born. It is starting to become very tiresome to stand and sing for a few hours. I am going to wait until you come home so we can spend the last few months together. Hell, I might even quit the other job, too.
God, I miss you so much. You know I am not too much of a religious person but every night I pray for you to be safe and for you to come home. I can’t wait to feel your touch and your kisses. I love you so much and so does baby.
Always yours, Day.

Only a couple of weeks pass by and another letter from Jason comes. She thinks that this is odd because she just mailed his letter not that long ago. But to her it doesn’t matter, it is a letter from Jason. She rips open the envelope and a short note falls out.

Dear Sweetheart, They extended my tour for another 3 months. There is nothing I can do. They said we will definitly go home after this. I am so sorry. I might not be there for the birth but I will be home soon after. I hope things are good for you. I love you and I miss you.
I’ll write more later
Always your husband, Jason.

The tears well up in her eyes. She gets in the car and drives over to Jess’s. Daylene knocks on the door and Jess opens it with tears running down her face. They embrace each other as Jess leads Daylene inside whispering in her ear, “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

Cool spring rain suddenly
Falls hard.
Mmm the sound of rain
Pelting the world around me.
The needy Earth greedily feeds on
The gift from Gaea.

It’s washing the bird crap away,
Sending it down to the ground.
Yet, this cleansing is bypassing me.
My mind is away at my soul,
Bit by crucial it leaving nothing,
An emptiness,
A void.

The more I try the less I am.
Because in this darkness
Even the night lights are too dim.
Where are the candles?
So I can illuminate in a soft glow
Remnants of what is there.

Just need the flint to start the
Spark to light the candle to see
What’s deep inside of me.

Slowly the rain falls to a mere
Trickle, coming to an end.
Ribbons of soft, white fog
Weave through the yard,
My mind.

And I am still waiting for my catharsis.

Still waiting for something more.

Sometimes, I ask myself am I really a writer? Do I have what it takes to be great? I sit online and read blog after blog of people bearing their souls or the gripes in this great writing style which I feel that I can not compare to. But I suppose that everyone goes through that.

For awhile now, I have a had a writer’s block. I think of it as more of a door in my head that is closed but not locked. I always thought of myself as a writer and that almost defined me as a person. Of course there are other things that define me but writing was the big one. I think back to all my years in school and all that have told me that I was going to go far. But here I am.

My 6th grade teacher was the first to tell me that I was gifted. She said I was creative plus I was a good speller. Every week, in English there would be an editor of sorts and this person would pretty much help out others. You know reading what they wrote offereing suggetions to make it better. After awhile, I was always the editor. I loved it. And as the years went by I had many more teachers tell me good things about my writing.

I am the person, that actually believes that I am going to be lucky enough to make it in this world of web-publishing and new writers sprouting up everyday. But now, the gift that I hold so dear that defines me is shut up. I want to open that door. I sit around for days with a pen in hand just burning to write something that isn’t garbage. Hell right about now, I would be happy for some garbage at least there is hope for it to be better.

There are these times, I get these wonderful bursts of creativity and I write something and it is okay to me, maybe good to others. I used to get these bursts all the time. I know an artist shouldn’t force anything out. I just wish the flood gates would open and I can continue on with my dreams.

And there these times, when I have something great in my head. And then I grab the paper and pen and poof, it is out the window and I am left with nothing. It is so damn frustruating. Because all I really want do to with my life is writer.

I am the person who actually fancies myself as a writer and I wil tell people so. Right now, I am a writer that doesn’t write. I wish I knew what was going on inside my head because I would fix it. Even some of my darker days when I didn’t even want o get out of bed, I could still write. There is nothing more satisfying than that rush that I feel when I complete something be it a short story or a poem. To me it is like a drug, that I am craving.

I know this is a lot longer than I normally write but for whatever reason, I just had to write this down and get it off my chest. These thoughts just kept popping in my head for the last week or so and it was driving me batty. Maybe it some kind catharsis, that I desperately needed.

Okay thanks for reading.
Have a good day.

comment from blogger

I watch the news religiously every night. I really like to know what is going on in the world. But something dawned on me when I listening about the story about the girl who was allegdly raped by some of the players on the Duke Lacrosse team; I don’t know the whole story.

I wasn’t there, so how could I possibly know everything that happened or didn’t happen? In today’s world the news is supposed to be objective and only offer the facts. You know, the who, what, where, when and why. But think for a moment, you watch network news like CBS, ABC, or NBC the reporters giving the story may only 5 minutes to tell it.

So they tape a lot of information maybe a half hour’s worth and then comes the editing to make it fit with in a 5 minuted time frame. So they look at the story and tell you facts that they think are important. SO maybe one fact that might be important to some might not be to the reporter. And what you end up with is watered-down biased news blurb. Not only that, they almost help shape your opinion of the story.

It is the same deal in the courtroom, lawyers tell you facts to make you see their side of the case. Is there a way for the news to not be biased? No, in a world where people mulit-task and only want the headlines. This system is pretty efficient. I would think that one should watch the news knowing that you will not get the whole story and but only snippets. But the thing that I think is the hardest is not letting the news blurb shape your opinion of a story that you personally don’t know all the facts.

And if someone really wants more information then he/she can research themselves and make a decision.

Have a newsworthy day.

Presents galore
a yummy chocolate cake,
today I turn 2.

Cookies and milk
a blinking evergreen tree,
waiting for Santa.

Hidden colored eggs
with sweet treasures inside,
Easter bunny came.

Dear Jason, I hope you are safe right now. You mom was actually very nice to me. I don’t know if it is because she is gonna be a gramma or what. We went crib shopping and she bought this nice crib that turns into a toddler bed. Me and Jess has been working on the baby’s room. She had her brother come over and paint the walls. They are a light blue.
Lucky for us, Jess gave the baby some clothes . I know you won’t be able to tell from the ultrasound picture but the doctor says we are going to have a boy!! I am so excited. Of course, it is not certain until much later or even at birth. I would love to name the baby after you. How about Jason Jr ?
I wish you were here now. So you can feel the baby. He ain’t kicking hard but you know he is there if you just place your hand over my belly. I love you so much and so does baby. We miss and can’t wait until you are home. Only 3 more months.
I love you. I’ll close my eyes and dream of you.
Always yours and forever, Day

She mails the letter with the baby’s first picture. She sits down and lights a smoke. She is trying to quit. At least she is down from one pack a day to half a pack. She only sings at the club now on the weekends and works as a cashier at Piggly-Wiggly. The people there are nice and are sympathetic to her. Which she hates but tolerates. A few weeks later, another letter is waiting for her in the mailbox.

Dear Sweetheart, A boy!!! I can’t hardly believe it. A little Jason Jr. I am so happy. Paul is happy too. I folded up that picture of the baby and put in my breast pocket. So he and you are close to my heart. I think about you every day. And I can’t wait until I come home. I am going to grab you and never let you go. I was in Baghdad the other day for some personal time and I got you something you would love. I am going to wait until I come to give to you so I can see your face when you get it.
Well things here are well you know, it’s war. I don’t want to talk about anything like that. I live it everyday. I can’t wait to hear from you again. You know you can write as much as you want. I just won’t be able to reply to every letter.
Okay, I miss you and I love you so much. Tell Jason Jr that daddy loves him and will be home soon.
Always, Jason

~ Hello, I still can’t find the sheet with the rest of the haikus on it. I don’t know what happened to it. So, I can’t work on my children’s book until I find it. I have not done very much work on it lately. Some days I really get on a ball and other days I don’t even want to look at it. I hope that I actually finish before my daughter is in high school. At the rate I am going, it won’t be done until she is in college. Well what are you going to do? Can’t force stuff to come out of your brain that isn’t there.

~I finished the book I was reading from Chrisitine Matthews. I haven’t read good mystery stories since I was reading Nancy Drew and of the like. For some reason, I could never get into Mary Higgins Clark and Agatha Christie.

~I keep thinking about the book I want to write. One day I am going to get up and just start and hopefully keep working on it until it is done. I think it is almost time to start it.

~Okay I will be back soon with some more of my writings and the next chapter of Gi Blues Song

Oh yes, it is a very big problem. A problem that has been getting worse as time goes along. Now congress wants to do something to help curb this problem by passing a bill that would make illegal aliens felons if caught. This is a great idea and one that should have been done years ago. This is our country and we should know who is coming in and who wants to live and work here.

There are some groups that are protesting this bill for whatever reason. There is a reason they are called illegal immigrants. Rules and laws are made to keep people safe. This country has no problem letting any person from any contry come in and live in America.

This country has enough problems with crime but with illegal aliens when a crime is committed they are harder to track down. I am not saying every illegal is committing crime there are many that do. Some illegals get on government programs that they have never even paid taxes for, and live a pretty good life thanks to Americans, legal aliens and of the like. And because illegal immigrants need jobs they will take about anything for a cheap price. Taking jobs away from those who want jobs only because the employer wants to make more money in the long run.

Maybe this is harsh, I don’t know. But what I do know, people should come to this country with the proper paperwork. There is no reason to come sneaking in. Life will be better when you are not looking over your shoulder looking for the INS. You will make more money since you will fall under American law which dictates the minimum of what you can make. Many other immigrants do it every day and so can others who think the only way is to sneak in.

America is lenient, I believe, when it comes to legal immigrants. After all legal immigrants enjoy some of the same rights and privledges of Americans.

~Hello everyone!!! Hey look I am writing in less than a month. I put a new imstallment up of Gi Blues Song. I was going to post the other 3 children haikus but I can’t find the sheet of paper I wrote them on. And I can’t remember them.

~I finished reading The Taking by Dean Koontz, recently. There is just some places you can take a book where you can’t take other things and that is why I can actually read stuff. I currently reading Gentle Insanities and Other States of Mind by Chrisitine Matthews. It is a collection of short stories, mostly with a woman PI as a lead character. Pretty good stories so far. The chracters are interesting and different and Ms Matthews writes very well.

~ Well that is all for now.

Have a great day

Dear Jason,
I was so happy to get your letter the other day. It made me smile. I can’t wait until you are home with me. I miss you so much. I have something to tell you. I wish you could be here in person but such is life. You are going to be a daddy. Jess took me to the doctor’s the other day and the doctor said everything is great so far. I am only 6 weeks along. So we got pregnant right before you left. Jess is such a help to me. I’m a little scared but I know that you’ll be home soon and you should be here before the baby comes. It is too early to know what the sex is.
Other than that, I told your mom that she was gonna be a grammaw and she seemed pretty happy on the phone. In fact, she said she was coming down to visit in a couple of weeks. IN a way, I hope she does because I get kinda lonely with out you here. Anyway, I am thinking of leaving the band until after the baby comes. You know so I am not breathing that second hand smoke. Oh yeah, I am day number 7 with out a smoke. I just am looking for something else right now to make ends meet.
Well I rattled on enough. I can’t wait to hear from you again. Be safe. I love you very much.
Love always, Your baby’s momma.

She rereads the letter and stuffs in the envelope and mails it away. She rubs her tummy, ” Don’t worry little one, Daddy will be home safe and sound soon,” she says aloud. She flips on the television and bypasses all news channels. She hates watching the news especially now, she always worries that news might actually be about Jason. She finds a channel showing the movie “Big” with Tom Hanks in it. She loves this movie, it makes her laugh and she always thought Tom Hanks was cute.

A few weeks later, one solitary letter graces her mailbox. A letter from Jason.

Hello there Momma, I am so happy. I told Paul and he is happy too.I hope baby is doing good. I don’t care what we get. If we get a boy I can teach him to play ball and stuff like that. If we get a girl well she’ll be a princess to me anyway. Make sure you send that picture of the baby you know the one they take when the baby is inside of you.
It is hot as hell here. Yesterday, we had a pretty good sandstorm. Some of the other guys said it was the worst they seen in a long time. The stuff just gets everywhere. In your gun, in your eyes. I don’t know. I’ll take Mississppi heat over this desert crap any day. I think maybe I miss home a lot more than I did. I miss you so much.
Take care of baby. Hopefully mom didn’t give you a rough ti,me. I love you so much. Tell baby I love him to.
Always yours, Jason.