Before I am Famous

literature is something we infer after the story is told

The Choices We Make- A Monologue

Posted on | August 21, 2008 |

A scant room with a cot, one small window with bars. A woman is wearing a hospital gown looking out the window

Did you ever love someone so much and hate yourself just as much? Fifteen years is a long time. I guess after so long I just don’t know who I am anymore.

I know who I was before Jake. I was independent, I didn’t take shit from anyone, I had friends and I loved my close family. Fifteen years ago people would never believe I did the things I did or become the person I am. I guess there comes a point in your life when your brain is afraid to think because that could get you into trouble.

Sits on bed. Jake. To look at him you would think he was Wally from “Leave it to Beaver”- brown hair, blue eyes, nice white teeth, clean shaven and what you would call an all around nice guy. I’ll tell you honestly, he didn’t take my breath away or say one word and I fell to my knees. Actually, I saw him several times before he said ‘hello’. We had a friend in common and Saturday’s we all went to La Cantina.

I do remember that night he came up to me and asked me to dance. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I was impressed with his strength. He had that handsome way about him. We left after the dance and went to the diner and talked until sunrise. What is it they say- the rest is history. Maybe the story would be better if there was a bizarre proposal but everything was ordinary.

Jake became my best friend. After we dated for a couple of months, he called from the hospital and told me his mother died. You know who did it, don’t you- it was in all the papers. His father beat her with a hammer. According to Jake, hitting his mom was his dad’s hobby. I felt really bad for him. While I held him in my arms, I wondered why she didn’t take Jake and leave. Why would someone stay? I guess I know now.

If there ever is such a thing as a perfect man, Jake would be it. Our married life started normal and happy and I found out I was pregnant. Jake changed, maybe it was married life, a new baby and our shitty jobs but he got strange. When I was at work I had to call him all the time and I wasn’t allowed to talk to other people. We fought all the time, the baby grew and I wanted out. We had a big fight and he shoved me against the wall. I went into labor. That night Devon was born. He had to stay in the hospital for awhile.

Jake later told me that it was my fault because I pissed him off. You know what I believed him. After that things didn’t get better or worse. Everyday he left for work, I relished those hours of freedom. When Devon turned five, Jake told me he had a girlfriend. I was hurt but when he came home, he was Jake again, the Jake I loved with all my heart. I thought things were going great but his so called girlfriend dumped him. He came home that night, pulled me from the bed and his fists pounded against my flesh.

What did I do? starts to cry I yelled, he stopped when he wanted to and I lay there on the floor. He bandaged my ribs and stuffed cotton up my nose and held me in his arms. He said he was sorry. Jake said he loved me. And those words made me love him again. For years he said I was garbage and everything was my fault and now he tells me ‘I love you.’ It made me feel like a queen. I lived for those days of tenderness and loving and only way I felt like that was after he beat me.

How could I be stupid? I think it’s because I am worthless and stupidity is just part of that.

Grabs a tissue and wipes her eyes and nose and looks at an unseen person But I guess you don’t care about the distant path because I’m just another battered wife too stupid to leave and too desperate to stay. Jake and I had some good times but the bad times outweighed the good times.

I’ll get on with the meat and potatoes. About a year ago Jake told me were having a threesome with another woman. I told him I wasn’t interested and why can’t he just screw her with out me. That angry look came into his eyes and he slapped me across the face, pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs. I relented. A week later, Kelly was at our home. I did everything I was supposed to keep my ribs intact. I hated every minute, the way he looked into her eyes and made love to her.

Kelly wanted a drink and breakfast. I dressed and went downstairs. When I came back up, she was lying on the floor, blood oozing from all over the place. His fists were also bloody. Jake looked at me and I’ll never forget this, “baby please. I did something really bad. I love you” and in the same breath, “I’ll fucking beat Devon if you say a word about what happened.

Devon, my sweet son, feared his father and hated his father. Jake didn’t beat Devon like he beat me but it was more than a spanking. We dragged her body down the stairs to his truck and he took her away.

When we came home, he made love to me. A week or so passed and were blissful then he got angry again. He stormed in from work, took my glass and smashed it against the wall and said, “I don’t care how you do it but get me another woman or I will fucking kill Devon.”

What the hell could I do? What would you do? I had to protect my son and myself. I didn’t want to end up like his mother- beaten to death. I knew he’d do it too. I was scared to live and I was scared to die.

I had no choice. I did what he asked. I put an ad in the paper looking for a nanny. I bought a prepaid cell and a wig. We’d meet somewhere public but private like a mall or a park. I pushed one button on my phone and I walked with the girl to her car. Jake would be there waiting. As quick as a cat he’d knock her out, put her in his truck and took her away. I never asked questions.

There were five women I got for him and after Kelly, the first; he never beat me or Devon again. How could I sacrifice someone else’s child and spare my own and my own life? He made me believe I was nothing with out him. Crying again.

I don’t know why I let him drag me down. I thought I loved him and he loved me. Here I am now. I can’t take back the past because it’s full of regrets. I know I did a lot of things that will put me in hell. I did it for Devon. I hope one day he knows everything I did, even if it was wrong, I did for him.

What choice did I have? Lights fade.

Category: drama-monlogues and plays

Comments

3 Responses to “The Choices We Make- A Monologue”

  1. Sassy Mama Bear
    August 23rd, 2008 @ 7:14 am

    Wow, this is incredible, powerful and places the reader right into it. If I was young and doing forensics still I would love to be performing this.
    You really moved me.

  2. Car Rental Coupons
    September 21st, 2008 @ 6:16 pm

    I know this doesn’t fit into the normal category for things written on “East Of The Web” (google it), but you should definitely think about submitting it, or if you don’t mind I will for you =P

  3. Leo
    September 23rd, 2008 @ 12:54 pm

    One day Devon will know that all you did was for him. AND don’t regret your past mistakes; learn from them. :) Best of luck.

    LEO

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